AT home, I keep an entire shelf full of rice. really. I have a 20 pound bag of white rice, I have 6 different kinds of noodles made from rice, plain rice cakes, and puffed rice. I also have a mean stash of potatoes. I mash them, fry them, shred them, grill them, bake them...you name it. When we're at home, it almost feels like the kid who can only eat 2 foods, has quite a few things to choose from.
I've thrown out all the milk. Yogurt is gone. No more cheese, or ice cream. Of course, these have never been foods that Gabriel can eat, but suddenly, he can't tolerate being around them. There are no worries at home, though. Gabriel has a fridge full or formula, a cabinet full of rice, and cupboard full of potatoes. There are no food that threaten his life in our home, and just in case, there is an entire cabinet full of medicine right next to the food.
this is why I cant look you in the eye at the grocery store
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I try to limit my time at the grocery store to after-work trips. When I am alone, it's much safer. A store full of food is such an unnecessary risk that I try my best not to take. First stop is the pharmacy. I pick up meds at least once a week, to keep Gabriel fully stocked. The nice Pharmacy tech knows my name, and Gabriel's date of birth by heart. The first isles are the produce. I walk passed the pineapple, mango and grapes. I'd like to snack on them, but I know that Gabriel used to love them. Having them in the fruit bowl is like rubbing it in his face "you cant have this anymore!!"
By the time I've eliminated all the foods that Gabriel can't be around, and those that he wishes he could still have, I end up with a wagon full of just coffee, peas, and tomatoes.
Please don't be confused, I could care less what I eat. If I could afford it, I would drink formula with Gabriel all day long. After mentally putting a big red X on everything that Gabriel can not be around, and everything that breaks his heart- I am not really sure what healthy foods are left to keep me energized enough to care for him. I know that Gabriel will always see people eat around him when he cant, and he will always wonder what things taste like, and if he is standing too close to be safe. I try to find the balance between setting the example of a healthy well balanced adult, and wanting to eat potatoes with him everyday just because I cant deal with breaking his heart. I don't want to cook a full meal just for myself, I don't want to sanitize the kitchen after I do, and I desperately- more than anything- don't want to live in a world where I have to wash my hands and brush my teeth before I kiss my child.
so, there is where you find me. Scouring each isle... reading packages, feeling desperate and hungry. SO when I'm look at the floor instead of saying hello- its because I just read the ingredients of something I cant buy, and I feel like throwing it on the ground. Or because I just passed the broccoli- that my 5 year old begs me for everyday, and I feel too guilty to buy it. And when I don't respond when you say excuse me, it might be because you have ice cream, peanut butter, and cheese in your cart, and I suddenly hate you because you do.
Somehow I always end up with a bottle of wine.
I hold my breath when its time to pay- because something about holding your breath, holds in everything else. I give my best smile- with my lips pressed together, and nod my chin to say thank you. And when it's all over, I walk to the car, with my eyes burning, and my chest heavy- load the only 2 bags into the car, and be thankful the trip is over.
I hope Gabriel is doing well. I have EoE too, I am in my late 30's and have had this for approximately 15 years now. I am limited to only a few different foods and have found that red palm oil helps immensely. Also, Vitamin E tocotrienols, Inositol, NAC and turmeric are significant. As you well know, dairy is one of the worst offenders. I drink ginger tea and eat spicy foods often, particularly cayenne pepper. Interestingly though, cayenne is from the same family as the potato -nightshade-, and I cannot eat potatoes. A few years back, I couldn't swallow any foods without impaction, I was scoped and the doc said that the small scope wouldn't even fit down the esophagus. I have experienced some healing since then and can eat better now that just before my endoscopy. Late here, again, I wish Gabriel the very best.
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