Kindergarten

When I remember my first day of school- I remember waiting outside with my sisters, and Jesse (our best friend, and neighbor.)  During the long wait for the bus, I  tried to sound out what my soon-to-be teacher's name was, relieved that Jesse's name tag had the same teacher's name on it.  I was proud of the way my hair was combed, and wore a special dress, that I got just for today.  Everything seemed to go in slow motion- but maybe it was because my heart was beating so fast.  It was scary.  It intimidated me to know I was going to walk into a room of kids, hopefully the right room, and we would all stare each other down.  With in seconds, you decide who is going to be your best friend for the rest of the year, and you'd have to make sure to find a seat right next to them.  As soon as the teacher spoke, you'd wonder if you should be scared, or excited.  "Is this one the nice teacher?  Or did I get the mean one?  Where's the bathroom?  How do I sharpen this pencil?  When's lunch?  I miss my Mommy. "

Our school experiences create who we are.  Your personality, and view on life if affected by your classmates, your life-changing teachers, and your September through June lifestyle.  Think about your childhood for a moment- and imagine what it would be like if you took all of that away.    What would that look like?  How would that feel?  Would you be insensitive and selfish from too much time spent alone?  Would you be a bully, because you've never been picked on?  Could a life without those numbing, embarrassing days make you overly sensitive, and emotional?  I couldn't imagine, and my guess is as good as yours.  But I can tell you one thing for sure, A life with out school would change me.

With out school, a child wouldn't know the basics:
Girls are stinky
lunches are for trading
don't sit there, its for the big kids
share
being nice get's you far
no one likes a brown-noser (except the teacher)
How do I compare to others?
It matters how I compare to others
play by the rules
be friends with the kid who has none
how to be a friend
who is a good friend
how to play kickball
and 4-square
how to deal with people...


I signed Gabriel up for kindergarten today.  And submitted a doctors note saying that he would not be attending. For a moment, I questioned my judgement, and the doctors judgement.  I wondered if this is really what's best for Gabriel.  I thought about my first days at school, and realized all the he would be missing.  I sighed, and looked around.  "wow, this would be a nice school to go to," I thought.  I felt like I was making a terrible decision.  The office administrator handed me some information and said "Although he wont be attending, you are welcome to attend orientation."   "Great," I said.  "Thank you. Will there be food there?"  She answered, "Oh, yes.  Theres always refreshments," having not a clue what Gabriel's health challenges were.
I forced a smile and walked away. "That's right,," I thought.  "Food."
Gabriel's villain.  His bully, bad guy, and all of his fears.

 I felt more terrible, and played scenes from my elementary school experiences through my head. As we got in the car to drive away, tears ran down my face, and I knew.  This was absolutely the right decision, this was the only way.