Lemon Jell-o

I have spent so much of Gabriel's life trying to give him what everyone else has.  I hate ever imagine him 'missing out' on anything.  My sister, Gabriel's Godmother, Auntie, and really the person who knows him second best, reminds me almost everyday:  "stop trying to give him what he cant have!"  When your the Mommy, its hard to imagine giving your child anything but everything.  The fact is, though, that Gabriel cant have everything.  It starts with food- anything prepared, frozen, or at a restaurant is off the list, as well as everything you would eat on any holiday, special occasion, or Sunday dinner, is off the list.  I create special 'anything,' from trick or treating and pumpkin picking,  to going to the fair, I try my best to mold everything into Gabriel's lifestyle so that he can have and experience what everyone else can.  I went through about a year of calling sausage "Gabriel's hot dog" until i finally heard my sister remind me "its not a hotdog!  He can't have a hotdog, and that's OK."

                                          Gabriel, as a baby, helping himself to what he'll never have!





I have been trying so hard for so long to make sure Gabriel doesn't feel like he's missing out on anything- but all Im doing is reminding him of what he cant have.  I couldn't feel more guilty.  If you took- say, ice cream, something everyone enjoyed, and always talked about how great it was.  Ice cream is something that you can drowned your emotions in, or celebrate something amazing with. ...... Now imagine a bowl of sugar free lemon jell-o.  If I call it ice cream does it make it taste better? no, no it doesn't at all.  Why not call it jell-o, and enjoy it as it's meant to be?  How often, as parents, do we try our best to protect our children so much, that we end up hurting them more in the end?  Everyday, in some sort of casual conversation, Gabriel's diet comes up.  I talk about it daily, and without hesitation can ramble off the list of nearly 50 foods we have to stay far away from, and every time, I say it with a smile.  I say "its ok! He's not missing it cause he doesn't know it." but he recognizes the sound of the ice cream truck, and every time it passes, he asks me to read all the ingredients.  Gabriel is old enough to have friends, he knows that ice cream is something they all love, and he knows that he cant have it, but every time, not understanding what food are made of, he asks me to read the ingredients of every package in the truck over and over again.  And I do, because Im still not ok with telling him thats it something he can never ever experience. I never let him know that its a big deal, and I never furrow my brows, or let my eyes water in front of him.  In front of him Im excited about his jell-o, and pineapple on his birthday. I'm crying as I write this, not because of what Gabriel can't have, but because of what he's missing.  As I sit here, thinking about everything that he misses, it feels different.  Years ago, I accepted what Gabriel's allergens are, and I am comfortable with all of it.  But still, after all this time, I haven't accepted what he can't experience.  It took years of my sister reminding me nearly every single day that its ok Gabriel cant have everything, before I finally stopped calling things by a different name.  For me, it was temporary way of pretending that this would fix it, that calling a springroll wrapper with plain grilled chicken a "taco," felt like he wasn't missing anything.  I'm still working on accepting what Gabriel misses, but he's no longer calling his jell-o "ice cream"